I feel like talking about love today.
Why love all of a sudden ?
I dunno. Maybe I just want to talk about it. Maybe its because I've seen it around me quite a lot in the last few days. There have been friends who have got into a relationship, then there have been friends who have been ditched and cheated upon, and the there have also been friends who just havn't had the best results with love, even when their loved one loves them a lot !
Okay, okay, I confess am a bit drunk. But, to be really frank, that only helps in honestly telling what I feel about love deep down in my heart.
Love.. well.. I've had my share of relationships in the past. Yes, I've "had". Note the past tense. And apart from relationships there have been girls I've been crazy about.
There was this girl in school, Vidhi, I was damn crazy about. Since the age of 12. I would be damn happy on Sunday night coz the next day would bbe Monday and I knew am gonna see her for the next 5 days . And Friday afternoon, when the school bells rang, I used to be so sad. I would not get to see her the next 2 days. Was that true love ? Maybe, maybe not.
Kept longing for her. She was the kind of popular girl. I was a kind of nerd, geek (I love being that, by the way, that's totally me). She was always surrounded by the so called "cool" boys of the school. I was the topper kinds. Secretly in love with her. I could never tell her. Maybe I never wanted to. Maybe just the feeling of her being friends with me and talking to me and sitting with me on the same bench was enough for me. Years went by, feelings remained feelings.
I remember our sections were changed, and I would just vanish away whenever I would see her in the school corridors. I used to be so nervous. Dunno why ! Was it cuteness ? Well, some girls straight out of mills and boon might think so, but I don't.
5 years later, while collecting the Board exam marksheets, I met a friend of hers. And when I asked about Vidhi's well being, I dunno why she just gave me her number. Maybe she got an idea of the feeling I had had for her since years.
I messaged her that day itself, after mustering up a lot of courage of course. These things don't come easy, you know. Inspite of the fact that I had become a different guy by then (yeah yeah, less geeky and more sporty kinds :P), something connected to your past when comes back to you suddenly, it takes you with it into the past, irrespective of whether you want it or not !
She replied. And now I had realized that, being closed won't work. I have to express what I feel. No matter how many boys might be after her, trying to woo her, am not gonna think about anything, am just gonna be myself and do what I want to.
I did that. Slowly and steadily, she became my friend. Then really, close friend, and then like talking-all-night kind of friend. We talked for hours altogether every night. I had found the new me! I had left behind all the guys waiting in queue for her. It felt kinda great. Okay, I confess, it felt truly awesome. :P
She was those Kajol of DDLJ types. Believing that love happens only once, and that kind of shit. There had been this boy in college she had loved immensely. And he cheated on her for another girl in our school (who by the way is married to another boy now :P. I swear am not kidding). This left a huge dent on her life. And she had DECIDED she won't ever get into a relationship again. Its really stupid if you ask me. Altering your life because of a person who never respected your feelings and emotions. Really stupid it is. I tried to change her a lot but couldn't.
Then the time of reckoning came. I told her about my feelings. I told her how much I loved her and was crazy for her since the age of 12. She denied, as expected, with much harshness. Maybe she wanted to convey her point very clearly (which I already knew even before proposing).
I don't know how it felt. It was supposed to be shattering. But, somehow it wasn't. I was a changed man now. As it is, I always knew her answer.
Life moved on. My belief in love was still the same, just the approach became different. I never went ahead searching for love, just waited for it to happen. And it did, I believe it really did.
Had my share of relationships. Yes, failed relationships. But love was there. From both sides really. Maybe those relationships just weren't meant to last.
But memories do last. And I proudly say I have beautiful memories of my relations with those ladies. Though we don't talk now, but thats just mutual. We still are friends. Stay in touch. I have told every girlfriend that I've had about all relations I had had in the past. So have they. And with honesty comes respect. So, even after relations not working, I've managed to make friends, real friends for life.
I've had my share of flings as well. Few one night stands. Yeah yeah, ONE NIGHT STANDS, what's the big deal ? Are they determiners of one's character ? I certainly don;t think so. One's character is defined by the way they respect other people's feelings and try not to hurt anyone's sentiments. Having a one night stand by saying a girl that "I love you" is totally done by a characterless person. That's never what I did. If I loved someone, I told them that. And if I just want to have sex with someone, I told them just that. Its all mutual. Love and sex are two sides of the same coin. Both the sides together make a coin.
All the episodes, Vidhi, past relationships, friends, life observations have taught me a lot regarding love.
Love is not meant to be searched, or found. It'll reach you if it has to. The more you worry about it, the more impractical you become.
And the day you realize you love someone, you gotta tell it to her, inspite of knowing that there might be hundreds of "hunks" trying to woo her too.
Love doesn't happen just once. It'll happen everytime you feel lonely in your life and you get someone who fills the emptiness in your life. Love can happen any number of times, but inly if you let it come to you.
And most important of all, I learned this thing. Love is meant to cherish for a lifetime. Nothing is meant to last forever, everything including this very life has to come to an end one day. But memories remain forever with you. Even if am not in love right now, I remember the times I've spent with the beautiful ladies that have been with me in my life. That have been my dear friends. That have supported me in dark times. I remember going to bed while hugging them, I remember the sweet share of bodily closeness we've shared. Those are memories, sweet memories I have. And even if I am in love with another woman tomorrow, I'm gonna remember that, and cherish that. Am gonna tell my girl what beautiful and sweet times I've had. Life is not meant to crib. Its meant to keep on loving and keep on striving to achieve your dreams and keep on LOVING ! :)
Love and Let Love.
Dhawal
